Dating can already be a very complicated ordeal that requires effort from both parties, but this is magnified in a new landscape of social distancing. This global pandemic has changed the modern norms that usually make up a first date and has highlighted the need for health-conscious ideas that local singles can try out. It would seem that many still haven’t given up on trying to find romance this year, because dating apps have announced record downloads during COVID-19. Match Group, an Internet company that controls over 60% of the dating app market, discovered a 15% increase in new subscribers over the organization’s second quarter. Once someone finds a match off one of these apps, they must weigh the pros and cons of a virtual first date or trying something in-person. This brings up huge questions, like can virtual dating options replicate the pre-COVID experience and will these new norms change single peoples’ priorities? I reached out to Maxwell Poyser, a writer and researcher who is currently focusing on learning and writing about sexual behavior and culture for her blog The Dating Dispatch.
Dr. Joyce Sanchez, an infectious disease specialist at the Medical College of Wisconsin, has stated that “exposing yourself to a new partner doesn’t just affect you, the impact also extends to the people you live and work with as well as your community at large”. Do you think that COVID-19 will make local singles more casual in their approach to dating or drive them to more serious commitments?
I think it has done a little bit of both honestly. I’ve seen that there have been a number of people who are hesitant to make lasting, or defining connections because of how unstable or predictable our current cultural and health climate is. However on the other hand, I think the lack of social engagement people are having has driven individuals to date more so than ever before, and in some cases stretch the “boundaries” of where they were looking for love, in terms of physical geography.
I think a number of us are a bit “starved” for intimacy to say the least, and in some cases rather than wrongfully influencing our dating intentions, I think it’s helping people get out of their own way; especially for those individuals who might have had more avoidant attachment styles in the past. I think COVID-19 has made singles want to be more vulnerable; to attach themselves to new individuals, and fortunately or unfortunately (depending on how you look at it) lose hold of some of the relationships they might have engaged in previously because overtime they’ve realized that what was holding them together wasn’t so much being right for one another, as much as it was being proximity to one another. Which in turn, would hopefully lead to them having stronger connections in the future.
A March 2020 survey, created by the Kinsey Institute, showed that 28% of singles reached out to an ex during early lockdowns. Will this need for intimacy and affection have negative implications for singles in future potential lockdowns?
Trying to reconnect with an ex is always a tricky subject, mostly because you have to be honest with yourself about your true intentions for reaching out, and in many cases, peel back those uncomfortable layers of truth, about what it is exactly you’re trying to go “back to,” and whether or not it’s truly worth it. I’m far from being a perfect dater, nor do I think anyone can truly be “a perfect dater,” and even I find myself from time to time reminiscing on how amazing my past relationships were, or how great our connection was et cetera, et cetera. However, the truth of the matter is, if our relationship was so “perfect” we would still be in a relationship; not to say that if you’ve ever been broken up with that you’re not great, but rather that something about the situation itself wasn’t beneficial. Revisiting nostalgia is either going to make you feel absolutely wonderful, or pardon my french, complete shit. You can’t necessarily stop yourself from missing someone, or loving someone, but you can protect yourself from doing things you know are bound to make you upset. The real question then is: Do you want to?
Some dating experts bring up the limitations behind virtual and socially-distanced dates. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has spent 20 years studying the MRI scans of people who are madly in love, has stated “just because you can’t touch somebody, does not mean that you can’t fall in love with them”. Do you think the limitations behind virtual and socially-distanced dates can be overcome and are there any positive benefits of virtual first dates?
The first benefit that comes to mind is safety. There are a lot of instances, frankly far too many instances, of individuals being attacked or taken advantage of on a first date. And while having a virtual date doesn’t altogether minimize that reality, it can be a great way to read somebody’s behavior before you meet up with them in person.
However, I won’t lie and say that it’s always easy to create a strong connection with someone without being able to be physically present with them, and for a number of people with Physical Touch Love Languages (like myself) it can feel a bit isolating at times. Technology does a “wonderful” job at making things feel a bit sterile at times, but in other instances I actually think it can encourage people to have an even larger amount of engagement with their partner. And while the idea of being sexually intimate with someone over the phone or over video isn’t always the easiest thing for people to engage in, technology is certainly helping in that department as well; from app controlled sex toys, to phone sex, to video mutual masturbation sessions there are A LOT of ways to stay connected. No touch required.
The other “benefit,” if we can dare to call it that, of quarantine is an increased sense of time. For a number of individuals, myself included, our pre-covid world was wildly busy. There was work, there was school, there was spending time with family, friends; you were lucky if you could spend one, two nights tops out with your partner. Since quarantine has begun, things have slowed down dramatically for a number of us, and the time that you would have spent traveling to work or school or your kids violin practice, can easily be transitioned to having a video chat with your partner for an hour or two. You don’t always need to have touch to fall in love, but you do need time–and a number of us have a lot of that available right now.
A 1956 study by George Miller, one of the founders of cognitive psychology, states that our short-term memory systems can only handle five to nine options simultaneously and anymore would create cognitive overload. How does someone navigate the massive field of options offered on dating apps without getting burned out?
I don’t think you can honestly, haha. Dating is exhausting; meeting new people, getting attached to them, and then getting detached to some of them is exhausted even for the most extroverted among us. If you’re starting to feel yourself get frustrated, or lose faith in dating, please by all means take a break. Focus on yourself and your emotions. You cannot be a good partner to anyone else if you feel worn out or burnt out by yourself. There are far less people than we’d all like to admit to ourselves, who are truly content with spending the rest of their life without a partner at one time or another; however, as cheesy as it may sound, our desire to be with someone should not encourage us to try so hard just to find anyone who is willing to date us. Cultivating relationships and dating is a long haul game, and the more you sprint through it, the more tired or frustrated you’re going to get. Trust me.
What DFW attractions do you think will get lots of renewed interest for future dates during this pandemic and post-COVID?
In Texas I know that we’ve already started to see a number of restaurants and some bars opening back up, which I know a number of couples have been happy to re-engage with; however, since people have already been able to start going back to these places, I think one of the main attractions couples and daters will be flocking to is the art scene. The DMA, the Nasher, the Contemporary Museum all put on great installations and events, and I know for a number of individuals that sense of cultural engagement was something people were really missing during quarantine. Also a night out listening to music, in the sculpture garden, with your new quarantine crush? Who wouldn’t want to have their first or second date there; talk about an absolutely stunning situation.
